I am SO thankful for easy return policies on formula, although I do feel bad returning an open container, knowing it can’t be used by anyone.

Initially we were looking for something to help settle the incredible amount of (apparently) painful gas Kieran has. He’s been gassy literally since he was born, so we’re trying to find a formula that won’t exacerbate the situation. It’s so hard to see him so uncomfortable. (The clothes we’re sending to Paul’s sister for her shortly-due baby all have worn spots from rubbing Kieran’s tummy so much.) But it seems that the “gentle” formulas actually made the situation worse by constipating Kieran. (I felt horrible when it dawned on me that 4 days of easy-clean poops were actually constipation getting worse and worse.) We’ve pretty much got him regular again with judicious use of prune juice (good lord, that stuff is powerful and unaffected in any way by digestion!) But we don’t want to have to constantly spike his bottle with juice, ya know? So we’re trying Soy formula again to see if possibly he’s lactose intolerant. It’s seeming to help the constipation, but not the gas.

And yeah, we’ve got (Little Tummies brand) Gas drops and Gripe Water… neither of which seem to help all that much. Suggestions on other remedies are greatly appreciated.

The other return this week was a hard one: the Breast Pump. I took it back 6 weeks early. (We’d done a pre-paid 3-month rental through early October for the lower fees.) It just wasn’t working. I was drinking my lactation tea, and taking my supplements (none of which were cheap, btw) and it just wasn’t seeming to help. Was it really worth it to spend the money on supplements and rentals, to spend nearly an hour each time hooked up to the thing to get less than an ounce of milk? (And the milk looked more and more like just foremilk anyway.) Seeing that pump on it’s little table next to the couch all the time was just a constant reminder to me of my failure. The guilt I had every time I sat down to do anything and wasn’t hooked up to the pump was really wearing me down.

So Paul and I talked about it (I cried about it, again) and we decided that it wasn’t worth the emotional pain to me to keep trying for such diminishing returns. I could barely get 2 ounces a day (most days it was 1oz or less total) for all my trying – and Kieran is currently sucking down 25-30oz a day. The little I could eek out was barely a drop in the bucket.

He got the colustrum at the beginning. He got as much milk as he and I could coerce out of me for the first 2-3 weeks. I have to believe that was enough, that he got the benefits from that little amount. I have to believe that, because I have to forgive myself, because I have to move on. I told Paul I needed his permission to stop trying, and after a long pause, he gave it.

End of an era, or something. I’m off to Target now to buy a full-size container of Soy formula so we can really see if Soy is the answer for us right now. Kieran seems to be over his constipation, but is still gassy as all get out. But he is thriving and growing like a weed. And in the end, that is all that matters.

I weighed him today at the lactation consultant’s office, using their very precise scale. Paul and I are going to try to get his length tonight – I think he’s grown taller too. I can’t believe how BIG he looks now, especially compared to the pics we took in the hospital.

I’m boxing up the stuff that Kieran is outgrowing to give to Paul’s sister, who is due at the end of September. It’s harder than I expected to box up Kieran’s clothes like this. We’re happy that Cassie will get to use them, but folding up our favorite outfits from our son’s first weeks of life… it’s hard to do so immediately after he’s outgrowing them. I’m saving the striped preemie-sized onesie that Kieran wore in the hospital. I don’t know that we’ll save something from each other size… but it’s tempting.

Tonight, I’m continuing to re-do Kieran’s dressers. I was a little over eager with their organization when I filled them up a week before going into the hospital. Makes it kinda hard to know what sizes are what, and makes putting away laundry a PITA. Now that I’m removing nearly all the newborn clothes, it will be easier to get at his various types of clothing in his current size of 0-3 or 3. Stuff that he won’t be wearing for another 4-6 months doesn’t have to be in the dresser yet, methinks.

My little boy is a little brute!! But man, he’s so cute! Paul and I are struck several times a day with just how precious this little guy is. He’s becoming more alert and aware of his surroundings every day – so interacting with him is getting more and more enjoyable. We haven’t had a smile yet, but we’ve had cute grimaces. (A silver lining to the gas that plagues our little man no matter what formula we have him on.)

Kieran is starting to hit some development milestones too – like reaching out for things, grasping and not letting go. He frequently holds on to my shirt or finger while he’s eating. He reaches out for, grasps and pulls off my glasses at least once a day now while we’re playing. (I don’t mind cleaning my glasses when the fingerprints are SO TINY!) He’s able to hold his head up really well – which I think comes directly from his dislike of being burped. I put him on my shoulder so he can rear back his little head and tell me off directly into my face & ear. Good exercise for my little man.

It’s still very much an adventure, but I think Paul and I are doing a pretty good job. Paul is fantastic with Kieran, which makes it a little easier to contemplate going back into the office in three weeks or so.

My supply continues to dwindle. The herbal supplements don’t seem to help (neither the Mother’s Milk Plus nor the Fenugreek seeds) although I don’t know that I’m taking enough of the Fenugreek seeds because I don’t think I smell like maple syrup.

I’m averaging less and less with the pumping every day. Sometimes I’ll get over an ounce (30ml) combined, but like this morning, I got just over 10ml combined. That is SO frustrating, let me tell you. That’s a lot of time being tied to that pump for so little return. I’m working to increase the number of times I’m pumping though, in the hopes that I can bounce back.

Kieran is basically refusing the breast all the time now. Having to give him thickened feedings because of his acid reflux has necessitated using an even more open bottle nipple, which requires even less effort than a regular bottle nipple for Mr. Lazy Nurser. We give him the occasional un-thickened bottle with the tightest nipple we have just to remind Kieran what it should be like. We can tell that frustrates him. So when he’s offered the breast (even when I’m nearly engorged, so I know he could get a fair feeding outta me) he just fusses and squirms and cries and won’t nurse. We’ve tried giving him a half feeding with a bottle and then offering the breast when he’s not ‘starving’ – but Kieran is convinced that he’s starving until he’s full.

It’s disappointing on several levels.

• I was SO INCREDIBLY looking forward to nursing Kieran. The bonding, the special time, the perfect nutrition that only I could provide, the easy-clean-up diapers.
• The Cost. Even using some of the most inexpensive formula we can find (currently Target’s house brand “up & up” Partially Broken Down version) is gonna add around $60-75 a month to our budget that already doesn’t quite cover everything. And as he grows, that figure will only increase. (I can’t imagine if we had to stay on one of the name brands. The Target stuff runs ~$.46/oz whereas the cheapest you’ll find Simalac is ~$.89/oz at Costco or Amazon.)
• Formula diapers are not as pleasant as BF diapers were. Just sayin’.

On the bright side though, Kieran is gaining weight like a champ. He’s still right at the very bottom of the growth percentage charts – but that mostly has to do with the fact that he was 3 weeks early and such a tiny peanut to start with. ~8lb is teeny for a nearly 6 week old baby. But then again, ~8lb for a nearly three week old baby is still small too. He’s gaining ~1oz a day, which is a very healthy growth rate – so his pediatrician is happy with that.

Truth be told, we’re a little concerned about him gaining weight too fast with the thickened formula – but we’re carefully watching Kieran’s signals and feeding him when he actually tells us he’s hungry, feeding him a set amount (currently 3oz + 1T of oatmeal cereal) and waiting to see if he asks for more 10 minutes later. Sometimes he does (and gets another 1-1.5oz + cereal) and sometimes he doesn’t. The oatmeal cereal added to his formula adds the nutrition/calories equivalent to another ounce of formula. So he’s getting what he needs to grow at the rate that works for him.

I’m bummed that Exclusive breast feeding hasn’t worked out. (Not devastated though, which is a VAST improvement over my mental status for the first 2-3 weeks of this adventure.) But I’ll keep trying with the pump, which we have rented through September and see how it goes. I’m comforted by knowing that any breastmilk Kieran gets is better than none, but that regardless he’s growing well and thriving.

We are so blessed to have friends and family who take an active interest in Kieran’s life – even before he was born! We were (and still are) blessed with gifts from family and friends throughout the pregnancy, not just at the shower – which was overwhelming in a very good way. The little gifts keep coming now, and are hugely appreciated as we discover new things that are required to keep Mr. Kieran happy and healthy.

A huge example of that right now: Kieran is getting slightly thickened feedings now due to his acid reflux – 1t of oat cereal per ounce of formula or EBM. The bottles we have for him (Born Free) don’t really support thickened feedings – which require a different type of nipple. Fortunately, Kelly (Gnoam in the comments) had just sent us yet another care package of hand-me-downs from her 9 month old daughter Kara – which included four 5oz Avent bottles. The Avent system has a FANTASTIC variable flow nipple for thickened feedings. So Kelly’s hand-me-downs saved us from having to go purchase other bottles for these next few months of feedings for Kieran. So HUGE thanks to Kelly (and hubby Peter and Ms. Kara) for the great hand-me-downs.

But even more than that – when I look around Kieran’s room I see what he cannot. That every minute he is surrounded with reminders of how much he was loved before he even arrived. That he is (literally) cradled with and wrapped in love from people who have never met him. Aunt Nita provided his crib; Auntie Lisa & Uncle Mikey provided the mattress and sheets he sleeps on; Donna, Lisa, Kym, Becky, Lisa & Tia, Aunt Cassie & Uncle Kurt, and Grammy Jeanne provided the stuffed friends who keep watch over him as he naps. Every time we change Kieran, we’re grateful to Great Grandma Cat and Grampa John for the wipes warmer which makes all the difference in the world to Mr. Sensitive Tushy. Bathtime is made possible by Uncle Oin & Aunt Cynthia who completely stocked our cabinets with baby necessities, and by Caroline who passed on her baby bath now that her little Hannah has outgrown it.

And that doesn’t even start with the clothes!! Admittedly, nearly everything he’s worn at this point was provided by Mama & Daddy (or Kelly again with the hand-me-downs in newborn sizes) but Paul and I look ahead with a bittersweet glance to the future when Kieran can wear outfits provided by everyone – from adorable onesies, to rompers and safari outfits and teeny tiny smoking jackets. (I don’t think any of us expected me to have such a tiny little peanut!) But the flannel blankets that we received from so many people have been put into daily use – as well as the burp cloths! (Admittedly, I wish the burp cloths weren’t so needed now – the reflux really made those a necessity.) Once he’s able to wear the outfits that fill his dresser and closet – we’ll think of the friends and family who gifted him with such cute togs every time we change his clothes!

The books we’ve been gifted with right before I gave birth are being put to use already – not that Kieran has much of an attention span… but it’s nice to have something to read to him.

So thank you, again, to everyone. The love and support that you have shown Paul and I since we announced our news last Thanksgiving to our family and to the world at Christmas; the care and concern and interest shown during the roller coaster ride of my pregnancy; the generosity shown as we transformed our house into a haven for our son; and the fact that you’re even reading this now… it means more to us that we can say. Kieran has no idea how lucky he is.

Kieran just isn’t good at breastfeeding. He isn’t “tongue tied” but the connecting tissue at the base of his tongue is thicker than normally seen, and it is a little farther forward than normally seen. Not enough to need medical treatment, but enough to make it harder for Kieran to nurse. He “snacks” instead of really sucking. The Lactation Consultants say that he is “inefficient” with his nursing. This isn’t a good thing because his nursing never truly empties my breast, so the signal to make more for next time isn’t/wasn’t being sent. (Having to give him formula from a bottle starting in the hospital didn’t help matters, because Kieran got a taste of what a bottle is like, and he doesn’t want to have to work for food like he needs to work for breast milk.)

My medical issues (Hypothyroid and PCOS) are two big strikes against me for creating a sufficient milk supply. These are the same issues mostly responsible for me not being able to get pregnant for so long. I’m taking a ton of herbal supplements right now and am adding things like flax seed, oatmeal and brewer’s yeast to my diet (in the form of Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies) to try to boost my supply; with limited success so far.

I’m using a rented hospital-grade pump instead of fully nursing Kieran now as well. The hospital pump is much better for creating and maintaining a supply as opposed to the pumps you can purchase in the store which are intended to maintain and eventually gently reduce a well-established supply.

Kieran is offered the breast most of the time when I feed him, and he’s offered “comfort boob” often in the evenings after he’s had a bottle. “Comfort boob” isn’t for nutrition purposes; it’s just to give Kieran and me a chance to snuggle together, skin to skin and gives him an outlet for his need to suck. Also, when he’s being fussy and fighting falling asleep, nursing him for a bit puts him right out.

We’re seeing Lactation Consultants weekly for help with positioning, latching, supplementing, and as cheap psychotherapy for me. I had so much pinned on exclusive breastfeeding that the reality of it not working was something that was incredibly hard for me to accept. Crying in frustration as Kieran fussed and cried at my breast, weeping in sadness watching as Paul fixed yet another formula bottle for our baby, and feeling big hot tears of guilt and rage roll down my cheeks as the guilt and shame of not being able to provide all my baby needs washed over me again and again in those first two weeks. Paul had to put up with so much crying initially, from both Kieran and me. I was having panic attacks several times a day. The feelings of fear, dread, anxiousness and being completely overwhelmed were awful. I really thought that Postpartum Depression was setting in with a vengeance. I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted, and was starting to have nightmares again.

But one of the LCs confided that even though she’d lose her license for saying it: formula isn’t the devil. Breastfeeding isn’t the end-all, be-all of everything for the baby. SOME breast milk is better than NO breast milk. Kieran will still get all the benefits of breast milk with my pumping and supplementing with formula – plus he’ll get the weight-gaining benefits and sleep-inducing benefits of the formula itself. Her earnest exhortations to calm down and just focus on giving Kieran what I *can* give him helped immensely. I’ve been *MUCH* better in the brainmeats department since then.

Currently we’re using the Similac formula that the hospital sent home as well as the free samples we got in the mail. But within another week or two, we’ll have to make our first purchase of formula. Something I never, ever thought we’d do. I’m going to investigate the differences between the name brands and Costco brand formula. I want to cut our costs, but I won’t do it at Kieran’s expense.

So that’s where the whole breastfeeding thing stands. Formula supplemented with breast milk, as I’m lucky to get a third of what Kieran eats every three hours out of a pumping session. I’m averaging just over an ounce every time I pump. I was hoping the “Mother’s Milk Plus” pills would help, but they’re not. I’m going to switch to just Fenugreek pills when the Mother’s Milk Plus runs out this week.

Paul has been (of course) just fabulous during all this. He wants breastfeeding to work as much as I do, because he understands all the great benefits to be had if exclusive breastfeeding were an option. But he’s seen how hard it’s been, and sees that exclusive breastfeeding just isn’t in the cards. He assures me that he’s proud of me and that we’ll figure out a way to make this work for us. His support and acceptance have made all the difference in the world. I am so blessed in him.

We’re hoping as Kieran continues to grow that maybe nursing will come easier to him. We’ll keep trying and I’ll keep pumping regardless. The pump has been rented for three more months at least.

I assume it’s the pregnancy hormones that are responsible for this. But I’m crying at the drop of a hat. Not at Hallmark commercials or anything (although I did cry at the end of Deadliest Catch this evening.) I just am feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the changes that are coming towards us. It’s making me cry, a lot, and I don’t like it.

I know Paul and I will be good parents. It’s not that. I know we can care for this baby. I know we’ll be able to handle the upcoming sleepless nights. I know we’ll find a stride with eating, sleeping, & pooping ad nauseum. We’ll get the hang of swaddling. We have diapers (cloth and disposable in newborn sizes) and clothes and dinners for us in our freezer. We’re as ready as we can be on that front.

It’s just…. there’s a lot riding on me these days. My physical endurance and ability to hold my proverbial shit together for another couple of days makes a huge difference in how the first days and weeks of my child’s life will go. My ability to breastfeed him will make a huge difference in his first hours/days/months, and in our finances for the foreseeable future. (The thought of paying for formula strikes fear into my heart – let alone the fact that I don’t want to give my baby formula to begin with.) I’m pushing myself to put up full-time hours at work to keep from burning my paid leave, to keep earning paid leave & benefits at a full-time rate, and to keep bringing home full-time checks. We’re doing OK financially, but not as OK as we were. This was known and expected, it’s just hard to feel the creeping slide. The buck literally and figuratively stops with me in my personal and professional life and I’m feeling the pressure of it more acutely than usual.

I’m a planner. I’m a do-er. Everyone turns to me because I’m usually right, and I do things very well. And for the most part, this works for me. I’m an overbearing bitch by default, so my take-charge attitude serves me well for the most part. But the flip side to this means that I’m lousy at “letting go” and letting other people do things. I’m used to making sure stuff gets done. So these last few weeks of being told to stop doing so much and let others do things and “go with the flow” and “just let it happen” has been making me crazy. For some people, this sounds like a vacation. For me? It’s akin to torture. (Yes, I’m sure this is indicative of some sort of trust issues that I need to work through or something.) But knowing that I’m in control of very little about my body and my mind these days is a very bitter pill for someone like me to swallow. Knowing that come Sunday evening, I will have no control over anything, that I’ll be at the mercy of IVs and Drugs and Doctors.

And then the wild and amazing world of parenthood awaits. I’m happy and excited to be riding this particular roller coaster with Paul at my side… but it’s like that coaster that you *know* you wanted to ride, and everyone says is TEH BEST THING EVAR – but it doesn’t make you question your sanity for wanting to ride it any less as you clank-clank-clank up that first huge hill, and it doesn’t make it any less scary as you tip over the top and all you can see is sky before the track comes up at you again and you’re off on the most thrilling, exciting ride you’ve ever taken.

Paul and I stood in line for a long-ass time to get on this ride. But this first hill is a doozy, and I’m freaking out a little bit. So pardon me if I scream on the way down. I’m sure I’ll be laughing by the first turn – but until then, the anticipation of what’s over that first hill is a little scary.

I got jabbed twice though. Not as bad as I thought it would be at all. The pressure was the worst part – until the contractions started. (It’s two hours later and they’re still happening…) It wasn’t pleasant by any means, but I’m not shaking in my boots at the prospect of another one.

So the plan is to wait another week. Since we can’t absolutely confirm that the little guy’s lungs are mature enough to be on the outside, we hang out. I’m still doing OK enough (surprisingly) that we have time before things get to a crisis point. So we’ll continue monitoring me this week, and on Friday I’ll be checked by one of the other doctors in the office. If he sees a big pocket of fluid, they’ll probably go ahead and attempt an amnio – but if not, it’s not a problem. I’m scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7:30 on Sunday evening to start the induction. Dr. Schwartz will come straight from the airport on Monday morning to check on me, and we’ll take it from there. (Friday’s potential amnio would only be to tell us something wasn’t right – not to give us the go-ahead to induce. The default now has been flipped to induce, as opposed to waiting for confirmation.)

We were pretty disappointed. Paul and I had worked this weekend to get ourselves to a good head space for having the kid today. We felt ready. (well, as ready as one can feel…) So it was a pretty big let down today, and Dr. Schwartz recognized that. But we agree with him that discretion is the better part of valor and to err on the side of caution is a much better way to go right now. Paul is concerned for me having to stick it out another week, but I’m fine. Letting the little man have an extra week is all to the good for him, and I can put up with basically anything for another 6 days.

I’ll be going in to start the induction process at 7:30 on Sunday June 27. It’s entirely possible that the whole process will take 2-3 days. Paul’s birthday is Wednesday the 30th. Could be fun if his son shares his birthday. (Considering Paul was born on his parent’s 3rd anniversary.)

For now though, we’re finally back home. The appointment today was over three hours long with 30 minutes of monitoring before and after the amnio. We know what a contraction looks like on the monitor now! I’m dead on my feet and in a fair amount of pain in my upper-mid back and from the continuing contractions, so I’m gonna lay down for a nap. I’ll be working the rest of this week, so I will be staying busy between monitoring appointments on Wednesday and Friday afternoons.

Sorry for the big build up to nothing, folks.

The bad part comes during the ultrasound where they’re measuring the amniotic fluid around the boy. The levels should be around 14 on average, with 5-25 being the extreme low and high ends of the scale. Anything at or below 5 is cause for major concern. I’ve been sliding down that scale and was at a 6 on Wednesday and Friday last week. I forced fluids this weekend, making sure I was taking in well over 100 ounces a day in the hopes of bumping up that number.

Today all the head nurse could get was 4.8 – and that was after 20 minutes of looking and looking all over. So the oligohydramnios is very much in affect. What exactly this means, we’re not sure. We know it ain’t good, but the fact that this is happening towards the end of the pregnancy as opposed to towards the beginning is good. If it were at the beginning, it would be because of some abnormality with the baby. Now it’s just a culmination of my pre-existing medical conditions: hypothyroidism, hypertension & diabetes.

Dr. Schwartz is in his other office across town today and tomorrow, so they called him while we were at the office to see what he wanted to do. We were sure he was gonna send me over to the hospital. But he asked to see me in his other office tomorrow instead. So we’re taking that as a sign that there’s no need to totally freak out just yet. Mostly what oligohydramnios means at this point is that delivery is gonna be a bit more complicated and the chances of a cesarean are probably higher. There isn’t anything they can really do to reverse it – like putting me on a saline IV to pump me full of fluids or something. (There are some therapies that involve pumping fluid directly into the placenta, but those are mostly for use *during* labor.) There isn’t enough amniotic fluid around the baby to *do* an amniocentesis – so we don’t know how much that will blow out next week’s plans. With such decreased levels of fluid/cushioning around the baby right now, the chances of him laying on his umbilical cord and squashing his blood/oxygen/nutrient flow increase. This is where I am SO GLAD that I completely trust Dr. Schwartz and his knowledge/experience in treating high risk women like me. Whatever he says tomorrow is OK with us. If he still wants me to try for a regular birth, I’m all for it – but if this situation necessitates a cesarean from the get-go, we’re OK with that too. Whatever gets our little man out safely.

So this afternoon and this evening are final prep, just in case. All bags are being packed (we were doing laundry this morning already) and final arrangements are being made. I’m gonna try to go get my nails done. Gonna get the Ragu Bolognese made and in the freezer, along with the Creamy Italian Chicken. (There’s a lot of simmering involved there – I’m not gonna be slaving over a stove.) We’re hoping that Murphy’s Law will kick in if we get all this stuff done tonight. Paul is pretty anxious, but I’m doing pretty OK. I am keenly aware that I need to stay calm, and having tasks to focus on helps me greatly with that.

We’ll update tomorrow after the appointment here and on Facebook. (Facebook will probably get updated faster because it’s easier to do from our phones.) We’re halfway expecting to be told to go to the hospital from our 9:00am appointment. I’m all the more glad that we have a 7:45am appointment to meet the pediatrician tomorrow. Gonna be a busy day. Prayers would be appreciated.

This weekend is errands and more prep.

• I have a coupon for USA Baby for 20% off any one thing. I called, and that includes breast pumps – which is unheard of. Babies R Us (BRU) has a coupon right now for 15% off breast pumps, and I was crazy excited about that. But when the dang thing starts at $280, I’ll take another 5% and smile. The plan is to rent a hospital-grade pump for the first month, and then switch to the personal style if everything is working OK. If for whatever reason I can’t used the personal pump, I’ll return it since the box will be unopened. Yes, my cheapness knows no bounds.
• Gotta swing by BRU anyway to try to exchange some clothes that we bought in April. They had an incredible sale that we took advantage of, as a hedge against the shower. I assumed most of it would get returned (or at least half) because of the bounty we got at the shower, but when Paul and I sorted through it all this week, he convinced me to keep all of it. There’s a couple of heavier terrycloth sleepers and an adorable sweatsuit that are in 6mo sizes that I’d like to swap for 9mo, since I’m afraid that the little man will be a size 6 in like September or October when it would still be too warm to wear them. I am hoping to keep my resolve and not make any other purchases while I’m there. Heh. We’ll see how that goes. (The little guy’s closet is pretty full now though – so I keep reminding myself of that.)
• Groceries for dinners gotta happen today. I’m gonna make a couple of our favorite dinners in bulk this weekend (Ragu Bolognese and Creamy Italian Chicken at least) and freeze them in containers so we can have some home-cooked meals for a bit after the little guy comes home. So a bit of groceries and a grip of rubbermaid containers are on the list as well.

Other than that…. I’ve got one more load of baby laundry to do: all the receiving blankets and burp cloths and baby socks. I’ve been enjoying doing this laundry this week, folding and putting away the clothes that will be in the first pictures of my son’s life. Reveling in the fact that I have these tiny clothes at all in my house. Smiling smugly that I now have opinions on brands and know that Carter’s runs tall and skinny, Gerber runs even skinnier and smaller and Circo seems to be made for Amazons. Even with my rock-hard belly as a constant reminder, I’m still caught off guard by the knowledge that we’re having a baby.

I need to pack my hospital bag and the little bag for baby. We have a total of three Newborn sized outfits to choose from to bring the baby home in, and Paul already has veto’d one. (“My son isn’t coming home in something that looks suspiciously like a Dodgers uniform!”) That’s fine, one of remaining two outfits has stripes AND a dinosaur. I think we all know what the little guy will come home in. :)

This weekend we’ll build the bouncer and set up the Pack and Play – all the random stuff we’ve been putting off. Oh, and I’m bringing up the whole idea of actually having a name for the child several times a day. Not getting very far, but I figure Paul will get sick of me bugging him eventually and we’ll figure something out. hee!

But now that the gestation date makes SO MUCH difference, I’m reverting back to the original count based strictly on the original due date. Mind you, the little man has measured all over the place based on ultrasounds – he was measuring more than 2 weeks ahead on length at one point. But Dr. Schwartz is going strictly by due date, so we are too.

2) Breastfeeding class was tonight, and it was fantastic!! I’ve been doing a lot of reading, research, and asking other mamas about BFing, but 3 hours with a lactation consultant that included a video of actual mothers breastfeeding their babies was SO helpful. The instructor sat with us after the class was over and answered our questions about how things will be different because our little guy is coming early. I learned that I do have the right to refuse formula at the hospital, no matter what the baby’s blood sugar is. No one is gonna be happy about it, but it’s my right. I’m not saying that I will refuse it absolutely, but I am SO glad to know that I can. If nursing and skin-to-skin contact doesn’t help his blood sugar, then *maybe* formula will be OK – but I want Paul and I to have the opportunity to try all other methods of helping our baby before resorting to something with 2-week repercussions, especially if he is stable enough to be nursing at all. (And to that end, if he’s not able to breastfeed for some reason, I can request he be fed through an NG tube or from a cup – he doesn’t *have* to get a bottle.)

2a) Dude, breastfeeding is freaking AMAZING. I am gonna be SUPERWOMAN – with the ability to give my baby EVERYTHING he needs. I am confident that my body will do what it’s supposed to do and that breastfeeding will go just great. I’m looking forward to it. Paul completely supports it.

2b) Melt-my-heart moment tonight: Paul asking the LC about how to do “Kangaroo Kare” with our little guy in case I have a cesarean or he ends up in the NICU. He’s planning on bringing button-down shirts to the hospital now so he can comfortably cuddle his son skin-to-skin.

3) I have a highly recommend pediatrician to call tomorrow to schedule an appointment with. I’ve been meaning to look for one, but just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Fixing that.

4) No, we still don’t have a name yet. We’re working on it. There’s a list. We’re not just holding out cuz we can. Really.

I think we’re both excited, but I know I’m a little freaked out. It’s not like there’s a ton of stuff to do still – but things just got REALLY real. There’s a date, and an appointment. Holy cats.