Happy Birthday, Son.  You made us a happy little family.

It’s almost 2:30 in the morning on a (now) Thursday morning.  I have to be at work in 6 hours.  But just let me rock you a little longer before I ease up out of the recliner with practiced silent effort and gently lay you back in your crib.  Just one more kiss on your warm little forehead, just between your eyebrows (when did they finally grow in, I wonder?)  I miss full, uninterrupted nights of sleep.  But I know that eventually I won’t be awakened by a cry in the middle of every night – and I think I shall miss our time here my son, alone in the dark.

• Thankful for my beautiful son who does an impressively loud pterodactyl impression.
• Thankful for my husband whose face lights up as much as my son’s when they see each other.
• Thankful that my husband and I are both gainfully employed.
• Thankful for my Aunt Nita, best friend Lisa and her husband Mike for gifting us with the crib, mattress and sheets that Kieran sleeps on every night.  He’s filling that crib so much more – it seems to be shrinking now!
• Thankful for my brother Oin, his wonderful girlfriend Cynthia, our friends Sibyana & Cheri, and my co-worker Kate for all of the bits and pieces that make up Kieran’s bathtime.  He sits up in the tub and splashes while laughing his little head off now!
• Thankful for Kieran’s Great Grandmother Nonny for his stroller, in which we took a walk around the neighborhood this evening because it was just too lovely an evening to go directly inside.  Kieran loves to sit in the fully reclined stroller and watch the world go by.
• Thankful for my Philadelphia friend Kelly for all the care packages of baby stuff, including the (currently in use) baby food freezing trays and the baby food cookbook so I have some idea of what I’m doing as I make the fresh baby food Kieran is enjoying these days.
• Thankful for another weekend to spend with my boys.

He rolled over tonight.  He’s done it a time or two before, on accident.  But tonight he and I were playing on the floor with his blocks and I put him on his stomach with his blocks just out of reach to see what he would do.  It took him several tries, and a lot of red-faced effort – but he rolled over!  He had a smile on his face the whole time and when I clapped and cheered and covered his face with kisses, his squeal echoed in the hallway.  I put him back on his tummy to see if he’d do it again – and he did, almost immediately!  So proud of our boy.

Our life is so radically different from how it had been.  It’s still overwhelming, and we’ve only just begun.  There’s still near-daily tears for me, usually as I’m putting him to bed.  I cannot believe we’ve been blessed with this amazing little person.

Life is gonna get a bit more complicated now that Paul and I are both working full time.  Daycare is gonna take some getting used to for all of us, but we’re confident that we’ve made a good choice for Kieran and it’s up to us to make the best of the reality of a two-income family.  We’ll just look forward to spending time together as a family that much more.

Happy half-birthday, my little son.  You are the light of our lives.  We love you so very, very much.

Turns out it’s a good thing I took the time off this coming week – because Paul won’t be home with us for a good portion of Monday – Wednesday.  You see, Paul will be AT WORK.

That’s right: PAUL GOT A JOB!!  A FULL-TIME JOB!!

The short story is that these folks came to Paul because of a tip from a VERY unexpected vector, based on work Paul had done while at the Venetian.  His photography and video (shooting & post-production) skills, his IT knowledge, and his ease when working with ‘talent’ are all coming back to serve him once again.  The job is full-time, Monday through Friday, at decent pay.  We are THRILLED.  (The “interview” was on Christmas Eve, with one day notice.  Not that it was an interview, really.  More like: “Here’s what we want you to do and here’s what we can pay you for it.  Does that work for you?”)  Paul will be working a couple of half-days this week to get up to speed.

But what this means is that Monday January 3rd marks the end of an era.  Daddy Day Care is closing, and Kieran will be spending his days in a daycare center.  Paul and I are doing our best to get right with this as quickly as possible.  We knew this day would come eventually.  It was supposed to happen much earlier.  But it doesn’t make it any easier.

We know that Kieran will do wonderfully at daycare.  He’ll probably learn to nap.  He’ll be surrounded by teachers who will play with him and hug him and make sure he’s well taken-care of.  He’ll learn sign language, and sharing and playing with others.  He’ll get over his burgeoning stranger anxiety.  All of this is to the good.

But he won’t be home with his Best Friend Daddy.  Knowing Kieran was home with Paul made it MUCH easier for me to spend my days in my office.  Paul and Kieran have such a great time at home.  Paul is exhausted every evening after a day full of playtime that start at 4:45am – but he loves it.  To say Paul is in love with his little boy is an understatement.  Seeing Paul and Kieran together has been one of my greatest joys.

It’s hard to watch Paul coming to terms with his new situation.  On one hand he’s thrilled to have landed a job that will allow us to actually pay our bills and cut the stress that has been mounding on me for months.  (I’ve been quiet about it here, but things are/were/are getting pretty desperate money-wise.)  He’s pleased to have (once again) gotten a job because others were seeking him out.  (Nice little ego boost there…)  But he’s crushed that he won’t be home with Kieran any longer.  Paul’s new schedule (9:30-6:00) will mean that at least at first, Kieran will already be in bed when Paul comes home.  Daddy-Kieran time will have to happen in the mornings and on weekends until a new schedule settles in.  I know how hard it was for me to go back work – I cried myself to work every day for a month.  I can only imagine that it will be much harder for Paul, having had six months at home with Kieran.

We’re looking into the daycare that is literally around the corner from the house.  It’s the same franchise as the one we’d settled on by my work – and from what we can tell, the programs and prices should be the same.  (We tried to go check them out on Christmas Eve but they closed early that day – good for them.)  Our thoughts are that since Paul will be working on our side of town and later than I do; it would be good to let him have time with Kieran in the morning and then drop him at daycare before heading to his office.  I can pick him up when I get home in the afternoons.  (This will mean that I’ll be changing my schedule to stop working from home in the near future, no need to anymore.)  Kieran’s been pushing his bedtime later and later recently, so we’re hoping that the institution of naps will help shift things even further and allow for some family time in the evenings.

So tomorrow morning we’ll go tour the center that is a 2-minute walk from our front door, and see if they have room to take our little boy.  He won’t start until *next* Monday, but we need to get this sorted out as soon as we can.  I have no doubts that there will be plenty of tears that first morning – from all of us.

So for this last week of 2010 especially, we’re savoring each minute our little guy is home with us during the day.  2011 is already shaping up to be an incredible year.  We are SO THANKFUL that Paul has found a job, and we’re ready to whatever it takes to make this a happy two-job family.  It’s just gonna take a little getting used to.

We had a total of 13 adults, 2 toddlers (Glenn’s boys Glenn Edwin [2yo] and Greylon [1yo]) and two babies for Thanksgiving Dinner.  Grampa John, Great-Grandma Cat, Grampy Tom, Grammy Jeanne, Great-Aunt Nita, Uncle Oin, Auntie Cynthia, Aunt Cassie, Cousin Glenn + Katie, and our friend Sibyana.  There was plenty of food, and everyone seemed to enjoy dinner.  I made  good use of multiple crock pots once again and had everything served at 6:00.

Our turkey this year was 21.5 pounds, 5.5+ pounds heavier than Kieran!  Ridiculous pictures were had before I got to fooling around with the turkey.

Juanita stayed here with us, along with Dad and Grandma.  Oin and Cynthia stayed at a timeshare, and Glenn and his family stayed at the Hilton.  (Oin and Cynthia will be here with us for their last night in Vegas.)  Kieran stayed with us in our room in the pack & play.  That went better than I expected, but I was afraid our squeaky bed would wake him up every time one of us got in or out of bed.  (Well, that and Paul’s snoring…)  Kieran’s (ah hem) schedule is mostly shot to hell, but we’re hoping we can maybe tweak things as we put them back to rights.  I’ve got him d0wn for his third nap of the day as I type this.  (We actually managed four by the time the day was over!)

We’ve enjoyed the rest of the weekend, just hanging around the house, talking and laughing – wherever Aunt Nita is, there is always laughter.  Kieran has been such a great little guy – smiling and laughing for everyone.  I’ve been trying to take pictures with everyone, saving memories as best I can.  There have been many tears, most of them happy. I wish mom could have seen this, her kids and her grandson; her daughter as a mom and her son as an uncle.  But Dad (Grampa John) is enjoying Kieran to the max, so that is really great to watch.   Watching my grandmother playing airplane with my son and then later taking a snooze with him in the recliner have been some of the episodes of happy tears this weekend.

What a difference a year makes.  Kieran will be 5 months old tomorrow.  He has been such a blessing to us, in what would have been a really tough year.  Things aren’t perfect for us, and we have a tough road ahead in a lot of ways, but we have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  We’re looking forward to spending a family Christmas focusing on love and togetherness and starting the new year as a family.

Clicky the piccys to see more pics than you probably want to – but many of them are absolutely adorable.

Kieran is developing at lightning speed! He grows and changes before our eyes – every day he’s reaching farther, kicking harder, standing longer, cooing and giggling louder, and just astounding us with how enchanting he is, discovering his world.

In just the last few days, Kieran has started to reach out for toys and grasp them. He’s able to actually hold onto lightweight toys now, and is starting to bring them to his mouth. He’s starting to put things in his mouth (or try at least) and nom on them for a bit.

In his several-times-daily baby gym time, he’s reaching for and *hitting* the dangling aeronautical vehicles far more often now. And with a little help from Daddy, he’ll grab and hold onto them as well! Oh, and since Kieran frequently shares his gym with Laurel Cat, we’re helping Kieran learn how to gently pet the kitty.

Kieran turns and looks in response to Paul’s and my voices. I wouldn’t say he responds to his name quite yet, but he’ll look around when he hears us – especially Paul. Daddy is Kieran’s bestest friend – but don’t tell Mr. Hand and Mr. Hand, they might be offended. Kieran still has regular confabs with them about everything.

Kieran is an absolute joy to us, especially before 7:00am, cuz WOW this kid wakes up in a good mood. How Paul and I managed to produce a morning person is beyond both of us. God apparently has a sense of humor. At this rate, Kieran will be a total sports-obsessed jock too. Whatever he turns out to be, he’ll always be my little boy. My little angel. My little Prince.

Paul and I thrilled for Cassie and her fiancee Kurt. We remember how we felt almost three months ago when our own son arrived. The overwhelming joy, happiness, fear and relief. And the love. Oh yes, the love.

What hit me most this morning when I woke up to hear Paul calling his grandmother to report the good news (delivered within minutes by Grampy via Skype) was the joy in his voice for his little sister. For all their squabbling and bickering, he loves her something fierce. He is so proud of her, watching her from half a world away, forge her life on her own terms. And now she’s made a little family for herself. We couldn’t be happier for them.

He’s growing and changing so fast. I swear, he’s bigger after every nap. He already knows I’ll do anything to make him smile. That increasingly drooly, gummy grin that lights up his face – and mine.

I know the sound of his cries and what they mean. I know the difference between half-lidded contentment and half-lidded sleepiness. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been pee’d on. I congratulate him on particularly epic diapers or hard-fought farts. We discuss the Adventures of Mr. Giraffe in the Strawberry Car and his travels to the Land of Poo while waiting for the inevitable on the changing table. (The folks at IKEA are smoking some good Comfy Couch before coming up with their stuffed baby toys.)

He’s talking to us now. Not really, but he’s starting to communicate with us in ways other than crying. He coos and gurgles – not quite laughing, but getting there. He hangs out with us now instead of just falling back asleep after eating. He has opinions and makes them known. We’re fairly certain he’s already Yelped us.

The feel of his hot little breath against my cheek as he voices his displeasure at how long the bottle warmer takes. That same hot breath, gentle now against my neck as his head gets heavier and heavier after he burps and collapses into sleep at his midnight feeding.

I never knew I could love someone this much. It’s primal, visceral. I miss him when he naps – the need to be with him is so strong. I’m tired, but I’m reluctant to put him back in his crib now in the dead of night. Kissing his soft little cheek for the umpteenth time as I carry him to his room, it’s so delicious, I have to kiss him again.

How on earth is it possible that I am this little boy’s mother? He wasn’t supposed to happen, and I will never be the same.

I am SO thankful for easy return policies on formula, although I do feel bad returning an open container, knowing it can’t be used by anyone.

Initially we were looking for something to help settle the incredible amount of (apparently) painful gas Kieran has. He’s been gassy literally since he was born, so we’re trying to find a formula that won’t exacerbate the situation. It’s so hard to see him so uncomfortable. (The clothes we’re sending to Paul’s sister for her shortly-due baby all have worn spots from rubbing Kieran’s tummy so much.) But it seems that the “gentle” formulas actually made the situation worse by constipating Kieran. (I felt horrible when it dawned on me that 4 days of easy-clean poops were actually constipation getting worse and worse.) We’ve pretty much got him regular again with judicious use of prune juice (good lord, that stuff is powerful and unaffected in any way by digestion!) But we don’t want to have to constantly spike his bottle with juice, ya know? So we’re trying Soy formula again to see if possibly he’s lactose intolerant. It’s seeming to help the constipation, but not the gas.

And yeah, we’ve got (Little Tummies brand) Gas drops and Gripe Water… neither of which seem to help all that much. Suggestions on other remedies are greatly appreciated.

The other return this week was a hard one: the Breast Pump. I took it back 6 weeks early. (We’d done a pre-paid 3-month rental through early October for the lower fees.) It just wasn’t working. I was drinking my lactation tea, and taking my supplements (none of which were cheap, btw) and it just wasn’t seeming to help. Was it really worth it to spend the money on supplements and rentals, to spend nearly an hour each time hooked up to the thing to get less than an ounce of milk? (And the milk looked more and more like just foremilk anyway.) Seeing that pump on it’s little table next to the couch all the time was just a constant reminder to me of my failure. The guilt I had every time I sat down to do anything and wasn’t hooked up to the pump was really wearing me down.

So Paul and I talked about it (I cried about it, again) and we decided that it wasn’t worth the emotional pain to me to keep trying for such diminishing returns. I could barely get 2 ounces a day (most days it was 1oz or less total) for all my trying – and Kieran is currently sucking down 25-30oz a day. The little I could eek out was barely a drop in the bucket.

He got the colustrum at the beginning. He got as much milk as he and I could coerce out of me for the first 2-3 weeks. I have to believe that was enough, that he got the benefits from that little amount. I have to believe that, because I have to forgive myself, because I have to move on. I told Paul I needed his permission to stop trying, and after a long pause, he gave it.

End of an era, or something. I’m off to Target now to buy a full-size container of Soy formula so we can really see if Soy is the answer for us right now. Kieran seems to be over his constipation, but is still gassy as all get out. But he is thriving and growing like a weed. And in the end, that is all that matters.