I feel like I’m getting jerked around and I don’t like it.

Today everything seems to be fine! No really. Like according to everything today I’m barely pre-eclamptic. Apparently once you’re in the pre-eclamptic zone you don’t get out, but you can vary within the zone from mild to moderate to severe. Today I’m at the mild end. Which is great. My blood pressure was 147/97 today, as compared with 157/110 yesterday.*

Except: if I’m barely worse off than I was two weeks ago (no protein showing up on today’s dip stick) then why am I being forced to modify my work schedule and burn my precious paid leave for nothing? Why can’t I work at least half days in the office? (I’m wanting to be in the office because there’s stuff I can do there that I can’t do at home – the amount of stuff I have to do at home is finite and will get burned through in this next week for sure in order for me to keep up full-time hours.)

YES, OF COURSE I’m happy that things look rosier today. Healthier Mama means baby stays put which is a good thing. OF COURSE. This is just all very hard to take on 3 hours of sleep (cried myself to sleep finally last night and was up at 4:30am this morning) with hormone overload raging. I feel so completely out of control and that scares me and makes me angry.

Yes, I’m a control freak – but it’s not that. I literally feel like I’m being told different things each time I go in now and it’s hard to assimilate them all together and find a way to waddle through the next day or three before the next appointment where I’ll be told who-knows-what. Going with the flow when your health, your baby’s health, and your family’s financial stability are all on the line is really very difficult to do. And being constantly told to calm down and relax and just let everything in the world go doesn’t help. (I appreciate everyone’s support, really I do…. it’s just hard advice to follow.)

So for now, we’re stable (?) in this mild pre-eclamptic state. I did get the 2nd steroid shot today, so at least those are doing their thing – with their peak of efficacy in about 7 days. I’m planning on going into the office again tomorrow for a half day because there’s stuff I need to wrap up there still. Depending on how things go at my monitoring appointment on Monday, I may go into the office for a half day or two next week as well. I don’t feel that I’m pushing it to do that, especially if my blood pressure is barely higher than it was two weeks ago. If BP readings are creeping up, I’ll stay home. I have monitoring appointments M-W-F next week, and I actually see Dr. Schwartz on Wednesday. They’ll do a urine dip-stick at each appointment which I guess is the starting point for worry if it comes up with anything.

*To recap BP over the last few weeks for perspective: