Paul & Sarah

So my fluid was at an all-time low of 4.5 today, and even with Dr. Schwartz’s Jedi-like skills, the amniocentesis couldn’t be completed today. There was one tiny (1.2cm) pocket he was aiming for, but the kid kept putting his arm there when Dr. Schwartz got close with the needle. Paul watched on the monitor as they tried and tried to get into the pocket they were aiming at.

I got jabbed twice though. Not as bad as I thought it would be at all. The pressure was the worst part – until the contractions started. (It’s two hours later and they’re still happening…) It wasn’t pleasant by any means, but I’m not shaking in my boots at the prospect of another one.

So the plan is to wait another week. Since we can’t absolutely confirm that the little guy’s lungs are mature enough to be on the outside, we hang out. I’m still doing OK enough (surprisingly) that we have time before things get to a crisis point. So we’ll continue monitoring me this week, and on Friday I’ll be checked by one of the other doctors in the office. If he sees a big pocket of fluid, they’ll probably go ahead and attempt an amnio – but if not, it’s not a problem. I’m scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 7:30 on Sunday evening to start the induction. Dr. Schwartz will come straight from the airport on Monday morning to check on me, and we’ll take it from there. (Friday’s potential amnio would only be to tell us something wasn’t right – not to give us the go-ahead to induce. The default now has been flipped to induce, as opposed to waiting for confirmation.)

We were pretty disappointed. Paul and I had worked this weekend to get ourselves to a good head space for having the kid today. We felt ready. (well, as ready as one can feel…) So it was a pretty big let down today, and Dr. Schwartz recognized that. But we agree with him that discretion is the better part of valor and to err on the side of caution is a much better way to go right now. Paul is concerned for me having to stick it out another week, but I’m fine. Letting the little man have an extra week is all to the good for him, and I can put up with basically anything for another 6 days.

I’ll be going in to start the induction process at 7:30 on Sunday June 27. It’s entirely possible that the whole process will take 2-3 days. Paul’s birthday is Wednesday the 30th. Could be fun if his son shares his birthday. (Considering Paul was born on his parent’s 3rd anniversary.)

For now though, we’re finally back home. The appointment today was over three hours long with 30 minutes of monitoring before and after the amnio. We know what a contraction looks like on the monitor now! I’m dead on my feet and in a fair amount of pain in my upper-mid back and from the continuing contractions, so I’m gonna lay down for a nap. I’ll be working the rest of this week, so I will be staying busy between monitoring appointments on Wednesday and Friday afternoons.

Sorry for the big build up to nothing, folks.

Today’s appointment for monitoring was pretty darned good. I walked in feeling better than I have in a while. Excellent blood pressure again (147/90) and after some not-so-gentle prodding, good numbers from the kid on the monitoring strip. (He did not appreciate me chugging half a bottle of ice water to get him to move and getting my whole belly woggled by the nurse.) Trace amounts of protein in the urine (up from zero) but not OMG either.

The bad part comes during the ultrasound where they’re measuring the amniotic fluid around the boy. The levels should be around 14 on average, with 5-25 being the extreme low and high ends of the scale. Anything at or below 5 is cause for major concern. I’ve been sliding down that scale and was at a 6 on Wednesday and Friday last week. I forced fluids this weekend, making sure I was taking in well over 100 ounces a day in the hopes of bumping up that number.

Today all the head nurse could get was 4.8 – and that was after 20 minutes of looking and looking all over. So the oligohydramnios is very much in affect. What exactly this means, we’re not sure. We know it ain’t good, but the fact that this is happening towards the end of the pregnancy as opposed to towards the beginning is good. If it were at the beginning, it would be because of some abnormality with the baby. Now it’s just a culmination of my pre-existing medical conditions: hypothyroidism, hypertension & diabetes.

Dr. Schwartz is in his other office across town today and tomorrow, so they called him while we were at the office to see what he wanted to do. We were sure he was gonna send me over to the hospital. But he asked to see me in his other office tomorrow instead. So we’re taking that as a sign that there’s no need to totally freak out just yet. Mostly what oligohydramnios means at this point is that delivery is gonna be a bit more complicated and the chances of a cesarean are probably higher. There isn’t anything they can really do to reverse it – like putting me on a saline IV to pump me full of fluids or something. (There are some therapies that involve pumping fluid directly into the placenta, but those are mostly for use *during* labor.) There isn’t enough amniotic fluid around the baby to *do* an amniocentesis – so we don’t know how much that will blow out next week’s plans. With such decreased levels of fluid/cushioning around the baby right now, the chances of him laying on his umbilical cord and squashing his blood/oxygen/nutrient flow increase. This is where I am SO GLAD that I completely trust Dr. Schwartz and his knowledge/experience in treating high risk women like me. Whatever he says tomorrow is OK with us. If he still wants me to try for a regular birth, I’m all for it – but if this situation necessitates a cesarean from the get-go, we’re OK with that too. Whatever gets our little man out safely.

So this afternoon and this evening are final prep, just in case. All bags are being packed (we were doing laundry this morning already) and final arrangements are being made. I’m gonna try to go get my nails done. Gonna get the Ragu Bolognese made and in the freezer, along with the Creamy Italian Chicken. (There’s a lot of simmering involved there – I’m not gonna be slaving over a stove.) We’re hoping that Murphy’s Law will kick in if we get all this stuff done tonight. Paul is pretty anxious, but I’m doing pretty OK. I am keenly aware that I need to stay calm, and having tasks to focus on helps me greatly with that.

We’ll update tomorrow after the appointment here and on Facebook. (Facebook will probably get updated faster because it’s easier to do from our phones.) We’re halfway expecting to be told to go to the hospital from our 9:00am appointment. I’m all the more glad that we have a 7:45am appointment to meet the pediatrician tomorrow. Gonna be a busy day. Prayers would be appreciated.

We knew this was a possibility. Just didn’t think it would actually happen so dang fast. (But to put it in perspective, Dr. Schwartz expected to see symptoms of pre-eclampsia in me by 28 weeks or so. It usually shows up in non-hypertensive, non-diabetic, non-obese, non-thyroid-challenged women between 32-37 weeks. So the fact that I got to nearly 34 weeks with my medical history is astounding.)

Fetal Monitoring appointment today went well. Baby was head down (again) and cooperating with holding still for the monitor. It wasn’t strapped so tightly to me this time, so he wasn’t kicking at it. I actually fell asleep for a little bit while being monitored.

But when they took my blood pressure, things got a little scary. 157/110, up from 138/83 two weeks ago. (It was ~150/97 last week) And that’s with hella medication. The results of my 24-hour urine test came back in the mid 300′s, which indicates mild/moderate (as opposed to severe) pre-eclampsia.

None of this is a surprise. What Dr. Schwartz told us about at the beginning of this 3rd trimester is coming true. The hope is that the creeping up of my blood pressure stays slow/moderate, and that the protein count doesn’t skyrocket. More labs were taken today and the results will be in tomorrow – which will give a more exact look at what the situation is. I’m not showing many other symptoms – and especially none of the symptoms of HELLP syndrome. But I’m up 2 pounds this week, so that’s a tad worrisome.

If things are getting worse quickly, Dr. Schwartz will have to hospitalize me for more intensive monitoring (BP readings every 15 minutes, IV therapy, fetal monitoring, etc.) Nobody wants that – cuz it would stress me right the hell out. Being in the hospital (by definition, uncomfortable) wasting paid leave with no baby, strapped to a bed would just suck SO bad. And it’s possible that I could be monitored for up to a week before things reach a critical point where the baby has to come out. So that would be a TON of paid leave down the drain. If I’m allowed to be at home, at least I can still do *some* work, and Paul is here to keep a close eye on me. We live like 7 minutes from the hospital if that becomes necessary.

In preparation of the baby coming much sooner than anticipated, I got the first of two steroid shots today. (Supposedly they burn like crazy, but I didn’t feel it at all!) For those who know or care, I’m being given Betamethasone.

So here we are. I’ve been told I can’t go into the office any longer. Dr. Schwartz didn’t get into specifics right yet, but basically I need to be off my feet as much as humanly possible, with feet elevated. And most importantly, I need to be in a calm environment, away from stress. I need to go into the office tomorrow to collect some things and wrap up some stuff, but I’ll be leaving at noon for my 1:00pm appointment. I might go in for a couple hours on Friday too. Cuz seriously, I wasn’t ready to not be in the office quite yet.

Dr. Schwartz is back at home in Denver until Monday, so he’ll call me during my appointment tomorrow to go over my lab results and answer whatever questions we come up with by then. He’ll be back in the office for a 9-day stretch starting on Monday, so I have a strong suspicion that he’ll deliver me during that time, assuming I don’t need to be delivered this weekend for some reason.

As far as baby goes: he’s doing OK at this point as far as we can tell. He was 4 pounds exactly two weeks ago, so we’re assuming he’s somewhere between 4.5-5lbs right now. Our concern for delivering him soon is his lung maturity. The steroids they gave me today (and tomorrow) are designed to kick his lungs into high gear to make surfactant to make it easier for him to breathe. He’ll have to spend some time in the NICU when he comes, but we don’t know how long – could be 2-4 days, could be 2 weeks or more. No way to know until he gets here. If we make it to 36 weeks (doubtful) they can use amniocentesis to check the development of his lungs, but prior to 36 weeks, there isn’t much they can do to check. If he comes sooner than that, it will be because my body just can’t take being pregnant anymore.

We’ll have a better idea of where we stand after tomorrow’s appointment. I already have appointments for Monday, Wednesday and Friday next week for fetal monitoring. Here’s hoping I can keep those.

I still need to pack my hospital bag. I need to wash some baby clothes and put things away in drawers and in his closet. I need to go out and buy some preemie-sized clothing and onesies. It never occurred to us that we could have a preemie. We knew the pregnancy would almost assuredly have a bumpy ending, but having a preemie never occurred to us. I can’t believe I’m typing that word.

I don’t know how to deal with this, really. I’m a planner, and I can’t plan anything right now. I don’t know how things are going to go or what my options are anymore. I don’t know how nursing/pumping gets dealt with in a NICU situation. What do we do with ourselves when we can’t be at the NICU? Does it make me a terrible parent that I’m still worrying about getting to work during all of this? I’m vacillating between abject terror and a preternatural calm, both stemming the knowledge that I am in control of absolutely none of this. I’m going with the flow, because I don’t have any other choice. I’m doing my best to stay calm because stress really doesn’t help the situation. Prayers would be appreciated though. An update will happen as soon as possible after the appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Great appointment today, and apparently Dr. Scarypants was only available for a limited engagement – cuz he was nowhere to be seen today.

Today was (once again) a short, boring, good appointment. Highlights:

• Blood Pressure was 138/85 on the first attempt (granted, the machine pumped up twice) which was VERY happy-making for Dr. Schwartz. Usually we have to take it again at the end of my appointment to get it that low. So Dr. Schwartz was very happy to see that.
• I lost a half a pound. I was expecting to show a gain of at least a pound. So that was surprising. None of it makes any sense to me, cuz I’m totally eating. A lot. My belly is getting bigger. But whatever, I’ll take it!
• Holy Cats! My kid is getting big! Misty (my favorite nurse) took a minute to have a look around and I was SHOCKED at how big my little boy is getting! I was convinced that Misty had the ultrasound zoomed in, because he looked SO BIG, and I couldn’t see all of him on the screen. His spine looked huge, with easily visible vertebrae! And OMG, he has HAIR!! Misty got a picture for me – but there’s no doubt he’s got quite a bit of hair already! And honestly, I don’t want to think about how big his head is already.

A little bump in my insulin, but that’s the only change. It’s expected, really – just part of the insulin resistance that comes with pregnancy. Dr. Schwartz cautioned me that if I’m starving when I’m up in the middle of the night to pee, that I should probably be eating something. He asked me to take my blood sugar if I think about it – just to make sure that the middle-of-the-night cortisol boost isn’t making me dip too low. He’s OK with my current blood sugar readings – even though I think they’re trending too high still.

My next appointment was set for two weeks, but had to be bumped to three weeks because of a scheduling conflict. The next appointment will be for a fetal echocardiogram, with Dr. Schwartz and a cardiologist watching the ultrasound as they check out every little part of our little man’s heart. Should be a great appointment to get new measurements of our (not so) little guy.

I’ll be 31+ weeks by the next appointment, which means that the non-stress tests will probably start the next week. Twice a week, at an hour or so each. Here’s hoping I can get them scheduled first thing in the morning so I won’t miss much work.

All in all, it was a great appointment. Dr. Schwartz said he hoped he didn’t scare me too much at my last appointment, and that the way things are looking right now, maybe his dire predictions wouldn’t come true. I told him that I’d christened him Dr. Scarypants, and he requested I give him another name now that he wasn’t preaching fire and brimstone. I explained that Paul and I are aiming to have everything ready at home and at work by the 36 week mark (June 19th) so that whatever happens, we’re ready. Dr. Schwartz was very happy to hear that.

Hooray for short, mostly boring appointments. And seriously, I do love Dr. Schwartz. I totally trust him and his judgment as to what’s best for me and the baby. He gets that life goes on, and that as great as being pregnant is, life doesn’t revolve *entirely* around the pregnancy. I have every confidence that no matter how things shake out over the next several weeks that the little man and I are in the best possible hands.

I had my regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday morning, the last of my 3 week appointments. It was a simple appointment, no bloodwork, no ultrasound to speak of, nothing major – just checking in.

First the good news: I gained 3 pounds since my last appointment. I was TOTALLY expecting more, because I feel so much bigger. But Paul concurs with his mom that apparently I’m shrinking in other places. As he (ever so lovingly) put it, I’m “less flabby” than before. I get what he meant though – places that were flabbier are – well…. full of baby now, so they’re filled out. (I’ve got stretch marks to prove it!) I was THRILLED to hear that I’d only gained 3 pounds. I like to think that I’m making good choices with what I eat and portion control – but it’s so hard to tell when I’m SO farking hungry, and when I keep gaining weight, regardless of what I eat. So yay me. I’m up a total of 12 pounds so far. Everyone is happy about that. The little guy should start putting on an average of a half pound a week here soon – so steady continued weight gain is expected.

My blood pressure was a little on the high side when I first got into the exam room, but when taken again at the end of the appointment was down to a happy-making 128/83. So the meds are still working as they should, which is awesome.

We didn’t really get a look at the little guy. The nurse this time was all business and only even remembered to turn on the speakers so we could hear the heartbeat after she’d already found it. The stallions were galloping at 142 bpm.

Dr. Schwartz was pleased to see that my blood sugars were already coming back down now that my stress level has reduced quite a bit. Between finishing off the horrific, unending server install/migration at work (I worked 4 weekends in a row…. I’m still trying to catch up on rest) and Paul finding a contract programming gig – my stress has gone down a lot. My blood sugars are almost back into the happy range they were 5 weeks ago. Dr. Schwartz upped my evening regular insulin by 2 units, so nothing major. He and I are still expecting to see more insulin resistance as the pregnancy progresses, so I’m prepared for more insulin bumps.

But then Dr. Scarypants arrived and started preaching. Basically what Dr. Schwartz told us is that now that I’m in my 3rd trimester (which started either today or a week ago, depending on who you ask) that the gloves are off. Dr. Schwartz doesn’t want to scare me, but he felt the need to reinforce the fact that I *am* a very high risk pregnancy. And while I’ve done fantastic so far, the likelihood of me getting all the way through this pregnancy, let alone with no complications is slim to none. He believes I *will* get pre-eclampsia – it’s simply a question of when and how severely. He reminded me that there’s nothing I can do to prevent pre-eclampsia, and there’s nothing I’ve done wrong that will make it happen. But someone of my size, first pregnancy, diabetic and hypertensive just *will* get it. Nothing you can do but pray for a miracle.

So now we live with goals. The first goal is to get to 30 weeks. Then to get to 32 weeks. Then to get to 36 weeks. And after 36 weeks – he could deliver me anytime. Dr. Schwartz warned me that he expects to put me on modified bed rest at some point which means I’ll need to modify my work schedule – if I’m able to go to work at all anymore. I may be reduced to working from home, which severely limits what I can do. (It’s hard to do Accounts Payable when the invoices have to stay at the office, ya know?) He didn’t rule out the possibility of needing to hospitalize me towards the end. (That’s my idea of hell there, kids.)

So for now we keep doing what we’re doing. Taking it as easy as possible, treating myself and baby well, eating as well as I can manage, exercising moderately (although he strongly cautioned me against over-doing it even by a little bit) and trying to stay calm. Each day my blood pressure stays below scary levels is one more day my little man gets to cook in his first apartment.

I’ll be honest, the thing that freaks me out the most is being told I can’t work. We cannot afford to not have me working, especially for weeks before the baby comes. That will just eat into the meager paid leave reserves I have. (Yes, my work is willing to adjust my schedule as necessary – but seriously, I can’t do half my duties from home.) But stressing isn’t going to help anything, so I try not to dwell on it.

I’m back to two week appointments now, and will drop down to one week intervals after 30 weeks or so. So next appointment is April 28th. Then I’ll have one right before my shower – which is in less than a month!

How has it been another week already? Let’s see what’s new in the last week…

• Blood Sugars: I’m concerned about my blood sugars. They’ve been really pretty good for quite a while now. My last a1c test (long-term blood sugar report card) was a smashing 6.0. But since my last appointment, my sugars have gone back up. I’m eating basically the same stuff, no real changes. If anything I’m not eating as often, but I’m eating larger meals when I do. I’m avoiding eating in the middle of the night when I get up to pee and find myself starving. But my fasting sugars are much higher than they used to be (averaging 110-ish or higher) and my post-breakfast sugars look even worse as a consequence. That’s the really frustrating part – I eat the same three things for breakfast every morning during the week. But for some reason now my blood sugar is blasting up 70-100 points after breakfast, as opposed to the 30-50 points it did before. (I take my morning whopping dose of insulin and then eat breakfast within 20-40 minutes.) I know this will be a big discussion topic at my next appointment. I’m aware that as the pregnancy continues that it’s not uncommon to have some impressive insulin resistance, but I’m concerned that this seemed to come on so suddenly. I’m kinda hoping that it has a bit to do with my stress levels of late. I’ve had a big project at work hanging over me for a couple of weeks now – a server install/migration that has gone wrong in every way possible. Hopefully this weekend will be the end of it – if not, my job might be on the line… so maybe if I get rid of this stress, my sugars will behave? Here’s hoping.
• Weight Gain: I have no idea how much I’ve gained since my last appointment, but I can’t imagine it will be good. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I’m getting bigger. Everything in my life has always been about *not* getting bigger at any cost – so mentally I have no mechanism to deal with these changes. I’m not contemplating dieting or anything… but I live in fear of that scale at Dr. Schwartz’s office. For the record, I don’t feel like I’m getting bigger anywhere but my belly and boobs – but what the hell do I know?
• Swelling: Some days are better than others. I’m always swollen in my feet and ankles to some extent, with the left being more swollen than the right. (Not to an alarming extent, but I notice it.) If I spend an inordinate amount of time with my feet up, the swelling will go down some, but when I wake up in the morning, things are still swollen. That said, I have three pairs of shoes I can rotate through depending on how bad the swelling is on a given day. My hands and face remain un-puffy, which is good since that is a sign of pre-eclampsia. My wrists are still pretty swollen though, so the carpel tunnel issues continue, and actually seem to be getting worse. I’m looking into braces or something to help with this, since I can’t do anything about my job that requires me to be on a computer all day.
• Names: We have a list of 23 names we’re working on. Not sure if this list is the final list though. I’m still on the lookout for a good baby-naming book and always listening for a good name. Those who have glanced at our list have been surprised at how ‘normal’ the names are. I guess people thought we would be naming the kid something from Star Trek or Canterbury Tales? (Geoffrey Tiberius, anyone?)
• Kicks: Our little man is a dancing, kicking, punching, rolling, whirling dervish. I have no real idea what appendage is whunking me at any given time, but I feel him all throughout the day these days. Sometimes when he’s really on a tear it can be hard to concentrate on other things for all the activity in my belly! I’m pretty sure I had a little baby bum sticking out to the right of my belly button yesterday morning though. I was re-familiarizing myself with myself in the mirror before hopping in the shower, and noticed a lump about the size of a tennis ball to the right of my belly button. I poked at it, but it didn’t do anything. It was gone after my shower though! (As I’m writing this, he’s kicking at opposite ends of my belly – I wish I could see what on earth he’s doing in there!)
• Kicks, part II: Paul felt the baby kick on Easter Sunday! (April 4, 25w3d) I was hanging out on the couch with my hand resting on my side. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my hand jump – and realized it coincided with a big kick. I watched as my hand jumped again, and I quickly called Paul over. He put his hand where I showed him and a few seconds later, he felt his son give a mighty kick! He gasped and kind of giggled as he got a couple more punches in quick succession. The look on Paul’s face is something I will never forget. He continues to be impressed with how quickly the baby moves inside me – Paul assumes that it’s all dreamy water-world in there, not karate practice!
• Nursery: Progress in the nursery is still slow. But we have a deadline now – the carpet installation has been scheduled for Saturday May 1. So painting the nursery will more than likely happen the weekend of the 24-25 of April. Which means the clean-out portion of the program has to be finished by then! I’ve given up the dream of re-painting the baseboards in the house before the carpet goes in – just too much other prep to be done, since it’s like we have to move out of the house to have the carpet installed anyway. I’m excited that things will finally be moving visibly forward, but trepidatious at all the work that has to happen before then. I’m looking forward to having something to show friends and family when they’re out for the shower!
• Baby Shower: To my knowledge, no RSVPs have been received for the baby shower that’s in just over a month. Starting to wonder if anyone wants to celebrate this kid…or see the nursery! (On Edit: I didn’t realize that my BFF Lisa has been *dying* with a cold, allergies and asthma all ganging up on her at once and then sticking around. I’m sure that the RSVPs are being well-tracked. She’s just been a little too sick of late to pass them on to me! That said, feel free to comment here after you’ve RSVP’d either way!)
• Daycare: One day last week after I got out of class, Paul joined me for a tour of the daycare that I’d toured a couple of months ago. He was as impressed as I was, and feels comfortable about placing our baby there when the time comes that we’re both working again. Not sure when that will be, but I wanted Paul to tour the place and see what I was so excited about. It was pretty neat watching him check out all the babies in the infant room. He doesn’t get this panicked look anymore, more interested than anything. Which I think is a big step in the right direction. He had much the same look on his face last week when he finally met Caroline’s little girl here in the office.

I guess that’s about it. Other than feeling pretty tired in the evenings (and right around 3:00 every afternoon) I’m feeling pretty good. Definitely feel pregnant, and it’s an interesting experience to say the least!

13 Comments | Tags: changes in me, development, kicks, movement, nursery, shower, The List

It occurs to me that I should update, but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot going on. Three weeks between appointments means there’s a slow-down in news, and right now things are mostly at a status quo. Almost boring – at least in comparison to earlier times when so much was happening.

The little man kicks like a fiend. Doesn’t hurt at all, but I’ve had a couple of jabs that have stopped me mid-thought or mid-sentence to look down at my belly. I’m positive that if I didn’t have all my extra padding that Paul would be able to feel stuff now. I don’t have his ‘schedule’ down yet – dunno if he actually has one. Some nights he’s up and bouncing when I lay down in bed, other nights I’m pretty sure he’s gone to bed before me! He’s rarely awake when I get up in the morning – takes after his Mama for sleeping in. I feel him at random times during the day. I’m a little sad to say it’s become commonplace now. It’s still nifty as heck, but I don’t sit in awe of my belly all day.

Speaking of my belly: wow. Getting big. I’m really seeing some growth there. My shirts are all starting to get tight, and even co-workers are noticing (and commenting) that I’m growing. I’m torn between freaking out about any gain in size, and being happy that my belly is getting noticeably bigger. Paul’s mom swears (after examining me in my maternity swimsuit) that I’ve lost inches in other places, but I can’t tell. I’m just impressed that my uterus is so noticeable now. It’s between my belly button and sternum, and I can totally feel it’s soccer ball size and hardness. I just might actually *look* pregnant at some point in all of this. I’m feeling kicks up higher too, which is kinda nifty – I can tell the little guy is getting bigger just by how far he can stretch!

Fashion be damned: I’m currently wearing black yoga pants, a green/brown/black/cream tunic and Men’s size 12 lilac Croc shoes. I have a pair in gold too, but they’re a size 11 and if it’s a busy day they’re too tight by the evening. (Hey, you take what you can get at the Outlet. I was looking for size, not style.) The swelling on my feet and ankles continues – and isn’t going down as much overnight as it used to. Dr. Schwartz still is OK with it – and assures me that it’s normal. My hands and face aren’t swelling at all – so that’s the checksum of this whole thing. Pre-eclampsia is marked by rapid swelling of the face and/or hands or extreme swelling of the legs (usually with one being far worse than the other.) Granted, some nights I question what ‘extreme’ swelling actually looks like. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that my 9-5 job at a desk all day is just about the worst thing I could do if trying to prevent swelling, so at least I know part of what’s contributing to it. We’re all on guard for other symptoms, but for now I’m just ugly from the shins down. Thus, I have embraced the Clown Shoes (that are 3 sizes larger than I normally wear…)

Progress in the nursery is moving slowly. We’re almost to where we can paint. I’m hoping to have the carpet installed towards the end of April. It’s gotta be in the couple of weeks before the shower so we have time to put the house back together before everyone is here. But since we don’t have to have the install on a weekend anymore, that opens up the schedule some. Paul is making good progress on several projects at home, so I can’t complain. (Especially since there isn’t a whole lot I can do to help him with most of it!)

I’m INCREDIBLY looking forward to the Baby Shower. It’s going to be a great weekend of friends and family – lots of whom are coming in from California (and Arizona!) I can’t wait to see Oin & Cynthia, Sean & Kristy, and of course Lisa & Mike! (Also: cake. I’m really looking forward to cake.) I’m very glad that Paul will be at the shower, as will several guy friends. I’ve struggled for this entire pregnancy to find ways to include Paul, and this shower is certainly a big one! It’s his baby too, no reason why he shouldn’t get to participate in the celebration of his kid!

I have to say though, when I really get to thinking about it, I’m just overwhelmed that it’s happening at all. It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day-to-day of being pregnant, and forget sometimes just how amazing this all is. Paul and I had absolutely given up hope that we were going to have kids. I worked hard for years to get myself to a place where I was OK with that. (Sean & Kristy can attest to many conversations exploring God’s plans and how they’re frequently hard to understand…) But looking at the little teddy bear-shaped invitation with our names on it, or looking at the registry we’ve built for our son, or even just typing those words “our son” chokes me up. This is really happening. It’s awesome and incredible and scary as hell all at the same time. And I am so so so incredibly happy that Paul and I are in this together. I can’t wait to see Paul’s son in his arms. And no matter how our situation may be right now, I’m confident that we’re going to be just fine, and a happy little family.

And speaking of the little family, here we are last weekend after the Jefferson Jackson Democratic Party dinner, where Al Gore was keynote speaker.

Boring appointment with my little jerk. :)

He refuses to cooperate with the nurses to give a decent ultrasound. They wanted to take more measurements today, but he wasn’t having any of it. They were finally able to check out his heart, but not as thoroughly as they’d like to. He just will.not.move into a position that gives them what they need. He likes to hide directly under *my* belly button. But our little guy is looking good, and is measuring only like 2 days ahead at this point – so that’s fantastic. He’s weighing in at 1lb 4oz. (Dr. Schwartz says his growth probably slowed down a touch because we have an even tighter grip on my blood sugars now.)

But my BP was good (for me) especially considering that I was in so much pain in my boobs this morning I was near tears. So a 138/84 was cause for celebration. (Dunno what the crazy breast pain is… but it’s tear-inducing. I was literally in tears on the drive over this morning. Heat seems to make it better, after a while. Dr. Schwartz says it’s basically normal, nothing can be done.)

I gained 6 pounds. So that’s two pounds a week since my last appointment where I was positive I’d gained 5 pounds and had only gained a half-pound; for 11 total in 24 weeks. I don’t know how I feel about that. Except that I’m saying at least one pound is in my swollen feet & ankles, and another pound in each of my boobs. Dr. Schwartz said not to be concerned about it when I emailed him this afternoon.

We talked about my swollen feet, ankles, and wrists. Dr. Schwartz checked the swelling (so glad I remembered to shave this morning) and pronounced that “Yes, you’re just one of those lucky ones who swells!” which isn’t great news, but sure beats “OMFG, you’re swelling to a crazy, worrisome extent!” He assures me that the carpal tunnel will go away once I pop this kid out.

We talked about my crazy dreams & nightmares. I have a really strong family history of depression, so I’m on the alert for PPD and am concerned that if my brainmeats are responding to pregnancy hormones in this way now, does that mean I’m more susceptible to PPD later? He doesn’t think this is a indicator, but he wants to keep a close eye on me and wants me to tell him if the timbre of my dreams changes to any darker than it is now. (For example, the corpses that I’m trying to hide of the people I’ve killed… I didn’t *see* myself kill them, I just know I did. If I start to actually see myself kill someone or want to kill someone…. Dr. Schwartz wants to know.) So I find it really reassuring that he’s taking this as seriously as I am. I’m willing to go on meds if he thinks it’s necessary, but for right now I just want my husband and OB on alert to help me be watching for changes.

Other than that, nothing to report. We got pics on a CD from the ultrasound, but I haven’t had a chance to look at them. Our little man looked at us several times, so I think we have a face shot or two.

Next appointment is in three weeks on April 14th, and then I’ll prolly go back to every 2 weeks. Non-stress tests will start between 32 and 34 weeks.

I have landed on my least favorite part of being pregnant. Yeah, I know I’m only half-way and things are gonna get more interesting here with a quickness. But I’m gonna hold firm on this one. My least favorite part of being pregnant: the dreams.

Apparently this is yet another magical Progesterone thing. Makes ya have crazy-go-nuts, insane, psychedelic dreams. I tend toward vivid dreams/nightmares/night terrors anyway, but nothing like this. (There’s a reason Paul double-checks the locks every night, cuz I haven’t yet been able to figure out how to undo both deadbolts when I’m still asleep.)

These dreams are incredibly realistic and detailed. Nevermind that the giraffe that’s serving me a decaf latte has purple spots and a British accent. The detail on the color and the texture of the hair on those purple spots – not to mention how good the coffee smells.

But the dreams are terribly involved – like the most complex Law & Order ever. And because I wake up several times a night to pee, I have several distinct dreams a night. I wake up mentally exhausted from dreaming. I don’t feel like I’m really getting any rest cuz my brain is working so hard overnight, every night.

And then there’s the nightmares. Dead bodies that I’m trying to hide in a grocery store. Having our home surrounded by wolves and other monsters that keep breaking windows and finding a way in, trying to kill our pets and lunging at my belly. Being chased by evil, psychotic comic book characters while I frantically try to complete a scavenger hunt that will make them stop their pursuit of me. Trying to save myself and my family from a raging flood in my grandmother’s old trailer park. A swarm of gnats surrounding me and flying in my mouth as I screamed. (These were all within the last week, by the way.)

Last night was the worst though. I’ve only dreamed about the baby twice. First time was what told me I was having a boy. Yes, there were problems with him, but they weren’t terribly concerning. I knew he was OK. Last night was just losing the baby. The baby died inside me. I was so upset and angry in my dream, poking my belly, pleading with the baby to move and prove he was still alive. Wandering the streets, pleading with anyone I saw to explain why God would give us this baby after 10 years to just take it away. Screaming in anguish until no sound would come out anymore. I woke up with a sore throat, sobbing. (I ended up getting up for an hour and having cereal in the hopes that he’d wake up and make himself known.)

The other disturbing dream last night was about my mom who died in in 1998. Oin and I were with her, and somehow she died. But no one else knew, and if we didn’t say anything, she would appear to still be alive to them for about a week. She wouldn’t appear directly to us, but we could see her interacting with other people. Part of me in the dream knew she had already died a long time ago, but the rest of me was just trying to deal with the grief and anger and astonishment all over again.

Actually, my mom was in the dream where I lost the baby too. She was the one who confirmed that yes, my baby had died. She was pregnant too.

I don’t dream about my mom like that usually. If I dream about her at all, it’s usually from the time before I moved out when I was 19. And it’s always just normal day-to-day inconsequential stuff. She’s just another person in my dream, not OMG-my-mom-who-died.

Every time I woke up last night I looked at the clock and tried to figure out if I could just stay up the rest of the night so that I wouldn’t have any more dreams. I’m tired right now, but I’m dreading going to bed.

Yeah. This is my least favorite part of being pregnant.

Most common question I’m asked these days is “How are you feeling?” So I figured I’d update, since there’s nothing major to talk about really.

I’m feeling pretty good. I’m not sure where this whole “Holy crap, you’ll feel freaking fantastic and have all the energy in the world!!!1!1!” myth came from; but I do feel better than I did in my first trimester. I’m don’t feel like I’m walking through waist-deep water all the time, so that’s a vast improvement.

I’m getting bigger, of this there is no doubt. My waist is disappearing more and more every day. I’m positive that I’m gonna lose my belly button before this is all over. I’m finding it hard to squeeze between things I used to be able to pass with no problems. (Like between the dresser and the bed on Paul’s side of the bed.) I’m mostly OK with it all – just have to remind myself occasionally that I’m pregnant, not fat. (well, not fatter than I was already… ha!) I’m pretty sure that my internal organs are getting shoved up higher though, which is making me get winded a little easier than before.

My maternity wardrobe is holding steady. Some tops are getting too tight to wear fashionably, but I’ve got others that are still fine. I’m terribly grateful that no one at work really cares about what I wear. I’m in yoga pants nearly every day now. I miss my jeans.

My ankles and feet are swelling pretty much every day, but most mornings I wake up with non-swollen ankles and feet, so I’m not terribly concerned. I wear Crocs shoes every day, so the swelling hasn’t affected my footwear yet. I come home in the evenings and put my feet up, literally. The degree to which I’m swollen seems directly proportional to the activity level of my day – the busier the day and/or the longer I was on my feet, the worse the swelling is. But the swelling isn’t limited to my lower extremities. My wrists are pretty swollen too. I’ve definitely got some pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel going on. Numbness and tingling in the hands is pretty common now. So that’s annoying, but I have faith that it will go away once I pop the little man out.

I’m not bending over much anymore. It’s just not comfortable, and the kid kicks me when I do it, so I don’t think he likes it either. If you wanna know what it feels like, take a large honeydew melon and hold it tight on your gut, just at your belly button. Now, bend over at the waist. Yep. There you go.

Um, I feel like I’m back in high school in regards to my face. Oil slick city, man. Hair too. I had to switch shampoo/conditioner because everything I had was to combat the dryness out here in the desert. I’m now using a daily clarifying shampoo and an uuber-light conditioner. And I gotta say, my hair is looking pretty awesome. It’s growing pretty fast, which is making Paul happy. (Granted, I know it’s gonna fall out after I have the kid, but I try not to think about that.)

The little man is a flip-flopping, kicking, tap-dancing machine. I swear, sometimes it feels like he’s trying to tap-dance his way out already. But it’s cool to feel him regardless. I don’t have his cycles down yet, but it’s noticeable when he wakes up, that’s for sure. I can’t wait for Paul to be able to feel it.

My labs are all great. My A1c had dropped to 6.0 at my last appointment, and my blood pressure has settled down into 130′s over 80′s which is really much better than it was. My blood sugars are in a happy-making range for Dr. Schwartz, and I haven’t had a med adjustment in over 6 weeks. I’m still on 3-week appointments, but I know that’s gonna end eventually – by my last month I’ll be on twice-a-week appointments for non-stress tests.

I guess that’s about it. The state of the Sarah (and little man.) Did I miss anything?