Yesterday I felt like I was in a dream. It's real to me, but it seems far off, like something that's coming but not here yet.

I finally broke down sobbing last night. The fears that my weight will cause horrible defects just came up on me all of the sudden. Plus there's the guilt for a part of me not being 1000% happy about this. I'd gotten pretty well used to the idea that I can't have kids. I'd gotten to a happy place about where our life would go and what it would be like by not having kids.

All that is over now, and I'm left with a heaping pile of worries about how on earth we're gonna afford a kid, and what we're gonna do about our schedules and day care, and how on earth we'll manage if Dad has to move in with us. I'm just really trying to ignore those concerns for now.

I got up at 6:30 this morning and showered in preparation for calling the doctor's office and trying to get in this morning. I need to talk to someone to confirm the pregnancy (very much hoping they have an ultrasound machine) and figure out what to do about my meds. I'm scared to take anything now. I'm a little nauseous this morning, but I don't know if that's morning sickness or high blood sugar. Maybe both.

I really really hope we get in front of an ultrasound machine today.

I took the other EPT test this morning, cuz the thought struck me: what if the first one was defective? Plus, Paul said he'd believe it more if I took another test this morning and it came up positive.

I took a pregnancy test this morning. It was positive. Like immediately there with the plus sign.

I cannot believe it. I'd finally gotten myself to a place of acceptance that we weren't gonna have kids. I was pretty OK with it. Was rationalizing it with "at least we can take vacations and go wherever we want" kinda stuff. Our upcoming 10th anniversary seemed kinda… like a finish line. Like it would be OK to stop 'trying' after our 10th anniversary.

But I didn't have anything like a period in October. And my boobs have been sore for like 3 weeks – which I assumed was leading into a period – but nothing happened towards the beginning of this month either.

I was mentally berating myself when I took the test this morning…. why was I wasting money on pregnancy tests again? I'm just fat and broken.

Well, apparently I'm not broken.

I went in and woke Paul up. It wasn't quite 8:00am yet. But I couldn't just go lay back down. He doesn't really believe it. He thinks that a $10 test from the drugstore is gonna be wrong more than it's right. I'm not bothering to try to convince him otherwise. I'll be calling my doctor's office as soon as they open tomorrow morning and seeing if I can go in for a blood test and maybe an ultrasound to confirm things, since I honestly have no specific recollection of *when* I had a very short period at the beginning of September.

But um yeah. I'm pregnant.