Insulin (5w1d)

Doctor's appointment was as expected. They took me off all oral meds except for the thyroid & HBP. Everything else I was taking was in the “C” Category for pregnancy. I take it that means “Not ideal, but not where we're recommending termination either.” Yes, I'm worried – but I'm trying not to dwell on it. What's done is done.

My hope is that with the ultrasound that (hopefully!) happens tomorrow they'll figure out that I'm not really ~10 weeks, I'm more like ~6 or so. The earlier the better.

But now I'm on insulin. 12 units of long-acting (Lantis) at night, and 1 unit per carb unit of very fast acting with meals. (so 3-4 units of Humalog with meals) There was a lot of stupidity at the pharmacy. The Humalog pens are STUPID expensive. $93 a month. And Dr. Wellborn was pretty candid that by the end of the pregnancy I'll be needing probably triple the dose. (her personal experience.) I'm not willing to pay up to $300 a month for the convenience of having a pen. I'll deal with needles and vials. Plus, the girls at the doctor's office put the wrong kind of needles on the scrip, so they were these huge IM needles instead of tiny sub-q insulin needles. Changes have been requested via fax and hopefully will be ready tomorrow.

I'm trying not to freak out about how much all these meds are costing. It probably works out to about what it was with all the pills – but still. I feel like we're hemorrhaging money in the last week for my medical stuff. I really should look into what the cut off is for declaring medical expenses on taxes.

Tomorrow is the appointment with the OB. Prolly the only time I'll see him. I need a referral to a high-risk OB. I just hope that I can convince them to turn on the ultrasound tomorrow so we can be sure of how far along I am. I've gotta have a firm due date before everyone gets here for Thanksgiving!

useless at work (5w1d)

I am utterly useless. I'm surprised that I've gotten anything done at all today.

I keep wandering to pregnancy websites. I know that the ______ (baby? bean? peanut? pumpkin? bub?) is somewhere between the size of a sesame seed and a peanut. I'm concerned about these crucial first 8-10 weeks passing without my knowledge – I need to get on pre-natals with a bunch of folic acid NOW. I'm gonna go to Walmart and the bookstore after I get done at the doctor's office this afternoon.

I'm going to see my regular doctor this afternoon to discuss my current meds and figure out which ones are safe for me to take. I have the first appointment I could get with the OB/GYN practice that Dr. Wellborn's office recommends: Tuesday at 3:00. It's at their office on the San Martin Hospital Campus – but future appointments would be at the Henderson office location.

I'm seeing a male doctor. Don't know how I feel about that – but I'm more concerned right now with just getting in to see someone and confirming the pregnancy and finding out for sure how far along I am. I'll deal with changing doctors (if necessary) later.

Paul got his hours changed to 7-3 tomorrow, so he's gonna FLY from work to the appointment. I'm hoping that they're running late, and that the ultrasound part can happen towards the end. I'm sure they're used to this kind of stuff. More than anything I wanna hear/see a heartbeat tomorrow, and I want Paul there with me.

I'm nervous, scared, and getting happier. Every time I see my reflection now I think “there's two people there.”

Second Morning (5w1d)

Yesterday I felt like I was in a dream. It's real to me, but it seems far off, like something that's coming but not here yet.

I finally broke down sobbing last night. The fears that my weight will cause horrible defects just came up on me all of the sudden. Plus there's the guilt for a part of me not being 1000% happy about this. I'd gotten pretty well used to the idea that I can't have kids. I'd gotten to a happy place about where our life would go and what it would be like by not having kids.

All that is over now, and I'm left with a heaping pile of worries about how on earth we're gonna afford a kid, and what we're gonna do about our schedules and day care, and how on earth we'll manage if Dad has to move in with us. I'm just really trying to ignore those concerns for now.

I got up at 6:30 this morning and showered in preparation for calling the doctor's office and trying to get in this morning. I need to talk to someone to confirm the pregnancy (very much hoping they have an ultrasound machine) and figure out what to do about my meds. I'm scared to take anything now. I'm a little nauseous this morning, but I don't know if that's morning sickness or high blood sugar. Maybe both.

I really really hope we get in front of an ultrasound machine today.

I took the other EPT test this morning, cuz the thought struck me: what if the first one was defective? Plus, Paul said he'd believe it more if I took another test this morning and it came up positive.